A Little Words from Me

Stories and jokes posted on this blog has nothing whatsoever to do with the living or the dead. The stories and jokes are just for entertainment and not meant to hurt anyone's feelings. Thank you for your understanding and your time to read all the funny stories and pictures at this blog. Hope when you read all the stories and jokes, it can enlighten your stressful day! So laugh all you can to make your day!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It All Began With An iPhone....

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.


He just loved it.  Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.



 
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.





September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.



It was around then that the fight started......

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

A Little Humour....

This one had me burst out laughing....Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep in the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer". The following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.

But the day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?" He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still.

Then my father and my mother started moving{you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me!'.....=))

Why Italians Pass Their Handguns Down....

An old Italian man is dying.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta fuck are you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Married Almost 70 Years...

An elderly gentleman was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms Such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Very Touching and True Story...


This is based on a true story.........it's very touching. U have to read... Enjoy...

A rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. 

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly."

So in this way, their love won and they returned home.

The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress.......

He was dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that she recovered from her shocked. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately.

She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired. In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"

The old lady replied...

"Try DYNAMO Liquid Soap... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!!!" ...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home, he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?  We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed saleslady rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

How to keep a woman happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.  A man only needs to be: 

1. A good friend
2. A constant companion
3. A creative lover
4. A good father
5. A pest exterminator
6. A good listener
7.Generous

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
8. Give her compliments regularly
9. Love shopping
10. Be honest
11. Be very rich
12. Not stress her out
13. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
14. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
15. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
16. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
17. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1.  Leave him alone.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tripod Man

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
 
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
 
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
 
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!'
 
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
 
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
 
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
 
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
 
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
 
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
 
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
 
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
 
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
 
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in..'
 
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
 
'Tripod?'
 
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Reflection on us...

Story to live by

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
 
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.  Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. 
 
=========================================================================

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
 
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
 
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
 
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
 
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
 
Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
 
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job..
 
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
 
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

=========================================================================

I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,

'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
 
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you

(I JUST DID);

to those who have touched your life in one way or another;

to those who make you smile when you really need it;

to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down;

to those whose friendship you appreciate;

to those who are so meaningful in your life.

May we all be COFFEE!! and Cheers, I just sipped my expresso, like always.

I almost died!

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life...

In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her: ‘Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.

If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox.

And then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!  ....I ALMOST DIED!!!










Truckie and the Emu

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say'.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

As an Employee.......

* the biggest motivation is salary

* the unluckiest thing is promotion without salary adjustment

* the most "shiok" thing is you don't work anyhow also get pay increment

* the greatest talent is "carry big stuff"

* the greatest mistake is to argue with your boss (it depend)

* the most demoralizing thing is to receive salary late

* the most pitiful thing is you did not get your salary and your boss ran away (get salary 1st then ran away)

* the happiest thing is you become your boss' boss .. wahahahaha!!!

* the cleverest thing is you are late but boss doesn't know (boss also late maa..)

* the stupidest thing is you publicly say that you are lazy (jalan-jalan…)

* the most common thing is - the boss says something but means another (boss don’t know situation)

* the proudest thing is you sack your boss (always…)

* the most "rugi" thing is you work hard but your colleague takes the credit

* the most dangerous thing is to become a "two-headed" snake (*n*i*) guess what?

* the biggest satisfaction - sending e-mail like this during office hours!! hehehehehe....

Perceptions.....superb!!

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!














Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Irish Diet



PAY ATTENTION N LISTEN TO A DOCTOR'S WORDS OF WISDOM.......


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE

• No point using limited life to chase unlimited money.

• No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.

• Money is not yours until you spend it.

• When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it may be too late.

• How happy a man is - “Is not how much he has but how little he needs”

• No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with.

Remember this -- We come to this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing!


Sue Divine
"Forgiveness is the final form of love"

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sadar Jee

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India ..

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Sardar: What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.

Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.

Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Sardar: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

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NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:

In an interview.....

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Sardar: An old king's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

Monday, May 31, 2010

In-Laws & Out-Laws

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’
The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Meet Marvin......



Men strike back!

I knew the day would come when men had an answer to Maxine. Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine

1.  How many men does it take to open a beer?
     None. It should be opened when she brings it.

2.  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
     Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

3.  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
     It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4.  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
     When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....

5.  How do you fix a woman's watch?
     You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6.  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
     The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

7.  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
     It's called a Wedding Cake.

8.  Why do men die before their wives?
     They want to.

9.  Women will never be equal to men
     Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...





Maxine just had to have
the last word.
















Thought For The Day






Hi My Friend!


'Tough times never last, tough people do.
GOOD looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart.
You're blessed with both!'






Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Enjoy the Laugh...

You have two choices in life.

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds.

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing.

'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer.

Dear Lord, I pray for :-

Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him.

Patience - for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for strength then I'll just beat him to death'
________________________________________

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush

Night Courses.....(Ah Beng version)

Ah Beng went to take night courses with the reasoning in future can get promotion or better job.

During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.

Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?

Ah Seng: Don't know...

Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ........................*speechless*


The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...


Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?

Ah Beng: No! He's the author of 'Confessions', nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: .......................... *speechless + frustrated*


The next day, once again...


Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

Ah Seng: Your gay partner?

Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated


This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...


Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?

Ah Beng: Errrr... No!

Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

Ah Beng: ......................... *fainted*

Installing Husband!!

This seems to be a worldwide problem!!  A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy...

DEAR Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed.

[Reply]

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.Htmland and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!


He... he ....he... he...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Pride Of Being......

Hongkies, Singaporeans, Indonesians and Malaysians..........

 Being Hongkies is good because...
1. We are Hongkies and not Chinese.
2. We can talk and shout and nobody gives a damn.
3. Jackie Chan is our icon.
4. We can live in a 5' x 5' cubicle and call it luxury apartment. We even need to pay $10,000 a month for this cubicle.
5. Our children can speak Cantonese at a young age.
6. We get to blame everything on Feng Shui or Tung Chee Hwa or the mainland communists.
7. Gambling is more interesting than sex. Macau is the place to go for thrills!
8. We produce a lot of Miss Hong Kong to the enjoyment of the rich and famous.

We love being Singaporean because..
1. We are not Malaysians.
2. Everyone (especially the Malaysian) hates us, except ourselves.
3. Famous for Orchard Road and we love Geylang. Geylang is the place to go for thrills!
4. We have our own island.
5. We will never ever have yucky chewing gum stuck under our shoes.
6. We know how to enjoy our vacation in Malaysia - keep a few RM50 notes before you enter the highway: You can throw anything, anytime, anywhere and always wash our cars at the resort.
7. We can speed up to 180 kilometers per hour and not ending up with a summon as long as we have RM50 with us to spare.
8. The men are always concerned, first question to ask a girl 'Do you have CPF?'
9. Never fear of getting lost in our country - S$20 taxi ride will get you into the sea. Hahaha!
10. We'll never have to worry about finding Mr or Ms right because the government will find one for us.
11. 1 Singapore dollar = 2.5 Ringgit... nyek nyek nyek.
12. It's OK to be Kiasu. It's part of our culture.

Top reasons for being Indonesian are as follow...
1. We are not Australian.
2. We live in the biggest country in South East Asia .
3. No pirates in Indonesia water if you exclude the Navy and Coast guards.
4. Everything is cheap, even our salaries...
5. We can blame everything to Suharto or BJ Habibie or Gus Dur or Megawati or who's next?
6. Only in Indonesia you can get involved in real demonstrations daily for different causes and see no results.
7. Our Rupiah is like a Yo Yo, it can go up and down just because IMF say so...
8. We burn everything and nobody gives a damn. We cause haze all over the South East Asia and nobody can do a thing... nyek nyek nyek.
9. We don't need fire fighters as our neighbours will provide...

Being a Malaysian is the best because...
1. World tallest twin towers, Best F1 circuit, largest roti canai, most expensive toll rates, because Malaysia Boleh!
2. We can be driving, picking our nose, cursing another driver, talking on the handphone, adjusting the radio and bribing the traffic police at the same time.
3. We divorce by sending SMS.
4. Traffic summon can be settled on the spot with the traffic police.
5. We have Teh Tarik & Roti Canai on the Russian space ship.
6. We can save a lot of electricity b'coz our TV shows are so crappy.
7. We can blame everything on the haze or George Soros or government or opposition parties or...
8. Resourceful City Council, one person to drive the van, one to carry the ladder, one to change a street's bulb and three others watching...
9. We make 2 lane trunk roads into 3 lane highway and back to 2 lane when police are sighted
10. There's always something for the JKR/TNB/TALIKOM/SYABAS to do. They dig, resurface the road, dig and resurface ... and blame each other for bad co-ordination.
11. All main roads are designated highway because it gives Velooo a reason to collect toll.
12. Our government can never be wrong or dishonest.
13. Our badminton players win already only need to pay them RM35,000 very cheap compare to David Beckham.
14. You can divorce for as little as RM 10 million ringgit and marry a young singer you like, how nice is life.
15. We can even use C4 bomb to bombard Gengkis Khan or Kublai Khan grandchildren.
16. We have more water than Singapore .... nyek nyek nyek.
17. If you got no monies you can always snatch other peoples monies since police can't do much to help.
18. If you are a police, doesn't matter about the traffic rules, its for citizens only
19. If you are a policeman rider you can kick and bang people car like nobody business
20.. If you drive a police car, you can speed cause speed limit only apply to citizens
21. All motor rider can join the recognized & supported Mat Rempit club for free and can beat up anybody in their way and can even throw stones at the police station anytime they like.
21. If you got nothing to do join the rela and go to the kongsi gelap and extort monies from all over.
22. You can rape people and blame them for wearing very little.
23. A country so free to do things you like. Tell me which country is like ours.