In-Laws & Out-Laws

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Meet Marvin......

Men strike back!

I knew the day would come when men had an answer to Maxine. Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine

1.  How many men does it take to open a beer?
     None. It should be opened when she brings it.

2.  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
     Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

3.  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
     It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4.  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
     When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....

5.  How do you fix a woman's watch?
     You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6.  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
     The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

7.  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
     It's called a Wedding Cake.

8.  Why do men die before their wives?
     They want to.

9.  Women will never be equal to men
     Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...

Maxine just had to have

the last word.

Thought For The Day

Hi My Friend!

'Tough times never last, tough people do.

GOOD looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart.

You're blessed with both!'

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Enjoy the Laugh...

You have two choices in life.

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds.

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing.

'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer.

Dear Lord, I pray for :-

Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him.

Patience - for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for strength then I'll just beat him to death'
________________________________________

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush

Night Courses.....(Ah Beng version)

Ah Beng went to take night courses with the reasoning in future can get promotion or better job.

During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.

Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?

Ah Seng: Don't know...

Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ........................*speechless*


The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...


Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?

Ah Beng: No! He's the author of 'Confessions', nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: .......................... *speechless + frustrated*


The next day, once again...


Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

Ah Seng: Your gay partner?

Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated


This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...


Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?

Ah Beng: Errrr... No!

Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

Ah Beng: ......................... *fainted*

Installing Husband!!

This seems to be a worldwide problem!!  A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy...

DEAR Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed.

[Reply]

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.Htmland and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!


He... he ....he... he...

A simple Inspiration for an Introspection