The Irish Diet

PAY ATTENTION N LISTEN TO A DOCTOR'S WORDS OF WISDOM.......


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE

• No point using limited life to chase unlimited money.

• No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.

• Money is not yours until you spend it.

• When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it may be too late.

• How happy a man is - “Is not how much he has but how little he needs”

• No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with.

Remember this -- We come to this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing!


Sue Divine
"Forgiveness is the final form of love"

Sadar Jee

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: India ..

Boss: which part?

Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.

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2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

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Sardar: What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.

Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

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Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.

Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

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Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

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At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

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Sardar: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

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NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:

In an interview.....

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

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Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Sardar: An old king's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

In-Laws & Out-Laws

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Meet Marvin......

Men strike back!

I knew the day would come when men had an answer to Maxine. Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine

1.  How many men does it take to open a beer?
     None. It should be opened when she brings it.

2.  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
     Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

3.  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
     It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4.  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
     When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....

5.  How do you fix a woman's watch?
     You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6.  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
     The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

7.  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
     It's called a Wedding Cake.

8.  Why do men die before their wives?
     They want to.

9.  Women will never be equal to men
     Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...

Maxine just had to have

the last word.

Thought For The Day

Hi My Friend!

'Tough times never last, tough people do.

GOOD looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart.

You're blessed with both!'

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'