Have a Good Laugh

Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
 

Love Your Enemy 

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy!" 

"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
 

Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
 

Why?
"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
"Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
 

Same Service 

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
 

Talk about Husband
One woman told another: " My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
 

Love To Do 

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" 

I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
 

No Answer Back 

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back. Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" 

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
 

Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Discrimination

A Filipino goes to W*******'s in A************. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.Next week the Filipino finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Filipino to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Filipino goes home and returns with a dog..

He gets to buy the dog food. The following week the Filipino comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag..

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out. He shouts at the Filipino, "What the hell! This is shit, you Idiot?"

The Filipino calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"

Have a nice day....

Too drunk to be true

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station..We'll never forget you.''

Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

This is too good not to be shared...........

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true......
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives:
Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home and economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Chinese Courier Service

Yeh!! Innovative delivery method, the Chinese ways...................forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!!!

Enjoy Reading...

~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong.Please divide these among all of you. On Ah-ma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy.

Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not feeling well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too...

Vintage Humour

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to lastnight?"

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkups, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream withstrawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Icecream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands hiswife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married ?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking ?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook ?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed ?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it ?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it ?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.'"