Suckers!

An old man lived

 alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

 

Sweet Revenge

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.

But the clown hadn't shown up.

After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.  I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him \$50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR \$50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

He Said To Me!

He said to me ........ I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him ........ You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ................ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said.............. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

He said to me...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him ....... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He said to me....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .... They don't have time.

 

He said to me.... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him....... I don't know; it has never happened.

 

He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him...... They already have boyfriends.

 

He said.....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said..... A widow.

 

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him....... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

DEDICATE THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

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Worried Husbands

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while waiting for their wives birth giving. 

Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy, "Congratulation, you got twins!"

"Ohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy. "I am working with the Petronas Twin Towers."

Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy, "Congratulation! You have triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincident too" said the second daddy. "I am working for 3M Corporation."

Another nurse came out and told the third daddy, "Congratulation! Isteri you dapat kembar empat (Your wife have quartet)."

"Alhamdulillah! Maybe this is also a coincident". "I kerja (work) di (at) Four Season Hotel!"

While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled worry.

All the 3 daddies asked him, "Why are you seems so worry??"

He answered, "I am working with Seven-Eleven!"

My Time's UP?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live ."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 43 years.

Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

Moral of the story:

Avoid over MAKE UP ….. :)

So Very True

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Story of Appreciation

It makes you think doesn’t it......

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.  He passed the first interview, the director did the last interview, made the last decision.

The director discovered from the CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.

The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" the youth answered, "none".

The director asked, "Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" The youth answered, "My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.

The director asked, "Where did your mother work?" The youth answered, "My mother worked as clothes cleaner. The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.

The director asked, "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?" The youth answered, "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.

The director said, "I have a request. When you go back today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning."

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.

The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.

This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.  After finishing the cleaning of his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.

That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the director's office.

The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"

The youth answered, "I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes."

The Director asked, "Please tell me your feelings."

The youth said, "Number 1, I know now what is appreciation. Without my mother, there would not be the successful me today. Number 2, by working together and helping my mother, only I now realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done. Number 3, I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationship.

The director said, "This is what I am looking for, to be my manager.  I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired."

Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead?"

You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.

Medical Alert - Contagious Virus

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011!!

It All Began With An iPhone....

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.

He just loved it.  Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

 

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. 

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

A Little Humour....

This one had me burst out laughing....Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep in the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer". The following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.

But the day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?" He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still.

Then my father and my mother started moving{you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me!'.....=))

Why Italians Pass Their Handguns Down....

An old Italian man is dying.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta fuck are you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

Married Almost 70 Years...

An elderly gentleman was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms Such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

A Very Touching and True Story...

This is based on a true story.........it's very touching. U have to read... Enjoy...

A rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. 

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly."

So in this way, their love won and they returned home.

The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress.......

He was dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that she recovered from her shocked. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately.

She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired. In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"

The old lady replied...

"Try DYNAMO Liquid Soap... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!!!" ...

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home, he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?  We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed saleslady rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

How to keep a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.  A man only needs to be: 

1. A good friend
2. A constant companion
3. A creative lover
4. A good father
5. A pest exterminator
6. A good listener
7.Generous

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
8. Give her compliments regularly
9. Love shopping
10. Be honest
11. Be very rich
12. Not stress her out
13. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
14. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
15. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
16. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
17. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1.  Leave him alone.

Tripod Man

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!'

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in..'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Reflection on us...

Story to live by

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

 

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.  Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. 

 

=========================================================================

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

 

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

 

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.

 

Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

 

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.

 

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

 

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job..

 

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.

 

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

=========================================================================

I PRAY THIS MOVES AROUND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,

'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

 

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you

(I JUST DID);

to those who have touched your life in one way or another;

to those who make you smile when you really need it;

to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down;

to those whose friendship you appreciate;

to those who are so meaningful in your life.

May we all be COFFEE!! and Cheers, I just sipped my expresso, like always.